This blog is getting pretty soft. A friend called me a pussy...time to man up
Yo what up with dis shit? Shit be crazy now! Bitches be crazy, y'no what I'm sayin?
No, that's not tough, just misogynist gangster speak
Nah, this is what's considered tough now...sad state in our world
Douchbaggery entails toughness?
I wonder if back in the 40s, they though Bogart was a douchebag. or Eastwood in the 60s.
I should kill myself for comparing Bogart and Eastwood to misogynist gangsters
Fuck this topic tonight...I follow up sci-fi with a discussion on gangster rap, and the notion of toughness
....
....
Word of the day is chaptalize: To increase the alcohol in a wine by adding sugar
wtf does this actually work? I'm guessing you add it during the fermentation stage, you can't just add it into a glass and hope to get drunk easier...another shattered dream.
Now moving on about me...I never usually drink at all, guess you can say I'm a prude, but when I do I try to get drunk, or as close to it as possible...haven't been drunk yet though.
It's been like 2-3 days since last post right...been pretty busy, with gaming and all that. and two tests coming up.
I submitted the flash story I wrote last post to a sci-fi story website, yet to hear back...it'll be pretty cool if they put it on their site, it'll be my first "published" work
I thought it was good when I wrote it, but from the non-existent feedback I've gotten, I guess not. Fuck that shit my story's good, fuck off!
Plz someone read it...I'd like some feedback, even if it's just "lol, gay", it'll be nice to know someone read it...sad...really sad...
THIS BLOG IS FOR ME...that's the only reason, I've no intention of letting anyone see this...at least until I've become a well-known, respected, wealthy author, traversing the world, having the occasional fling with an up and coming actress.
Megalomania?...just a bit...actually a lot...it's really frustrating
A depressant megalomaniac...I guess most megalomaniacs are, at least I'm not narcissistic...yet
aiight peace out, homeslices, fruitslices, pizzaslices, all you assorted categories of slices, all trekkin on
p.s. crumb is really good
Enough
Monday 8 August 2011
Wednesday 3 August 2011
unnamed cpl
(get rdy 4 cheese)
Time To Die
It didn't hurt. Not the way they show it in the films. It was peaceful. It was nice.
The advanced recon squad wasn't suppose to be sent in like this. This wasn't an important
mission, not one worth dying for. But then again, in the wide scope of things, no mission is.
Not for a corporal, barely 4 months into the first cycle of deployment.
Scans didn't show the ambush, we were only suppose to record the number of working Starports, then head back.
They came up from the shadows, the six of us were taken down almost instantly.
Thermal Plasma. Silent. Deadly.
Only one shot per person was needed but they fired seven, two was placed into Alpha leader.
They were needlessly cautious.
This war has been going on for so long now, I don't remember when it started, I should have payed more
attention in class. But then again, it's hard to separate the propaganda from the facts nowadays.
The notion of a cold, morally corrupt enemy seemed so far fetched now.
"Sorry kid" one of them came up from the shadows, it's hard to see how many of them was there.
The laid down slouched position I'm currently in makes it hard for me to maintain a 360 degree vision, especially since my virtual HUD was damaged in the firefight.
He takes off my mask "Calm down" he says gently, reaching into his left chest pocket to pull out a silk cloth, it looked beautiful, a rare sight nowadays. He wipes the liquid waste of blood and snot spewing from my face. It was painful to see such a nice cloth used in such a way, it hurt more than the thermal shot.
Suddenly, I started to cry. I've never shown much emotion before, at least not in public like this.
"I'm going to die...right?" I spoke, the words were hard to say. It sounded stupid the moment it came out of my mouth. Thermal Plasma is 100% fatal. If shot, the person will die either instantly, or if lucky they'll live for a few minutes longer. I guess I was lucky.
He didn't say anything, he just stared at me, I'm not sure if he cared or not, but it was nice to be with someone at that time.
"I don't mind" I said as I choked on the blood rushing out of my mouth. "I didn't really live, you see, I was one of 'em bred soldiers, genetic selection, accelerated growth and all that. Ever since my I was born, I was kinda destined to be here now."
It seems stupid and pointless to be so reminiscent now, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't really in control of it.
"But I don't really regret anything" I mustered a smile, my body was getting really cold now "I've seen beautiful things. Capital Starships falling from the skies, as a million lights lit up their path. The failing shield core, and the millions of deaths didn't seem to matter then. It was peaceful. Kind of like now. Maybe I'll go join them now."
As I closed my eyes I could still see him looking at me, it was assuring in a impossibly hard way to explain.
I could feel my cells deteriorating, the expensive genes selected for me seemed pointless now. It felt like I was soaring into the sky.
"This is a good death" I thought "Because I'll forever live in the stars"
I really hope someone will take read this, any feedback is appreciated.
I kinda ripped off the part about the downed Starship falling from the ending of Blade Runner. That scene was basically the inspiration for this story.
Time To Die
It didn't hurt. Not the way they show it in the films. It was peaceful. It was nice.
The advanced recon squad wasn't suppose to be sent in like this. This wasn't an important
mission, not one worth dying for. But then again, in the wide scope of things, no mission is.
Not for a corporal, barely 4 months into the first cycle of deployment.
Scans didn't show the ambush, we were only suppose to record the number of working Starports, then head back.
They came up from the shadows, the six of us were taken down almost instantly.
Thermal Plasma. Silent. Deadly.
Only one shot per person was needed but they fired seven, two was placed into Alpha leader.
They were needlessly cautious.
This war has been going on for so long now, I don't remember when it started, I should have payed more
attention in class. But then again, it's hard to separate the propaganda from the facts nowadays.
The notion of a cold, morally corrupt enemy seemed so far fetched now.
"Sorry kid" one of them came up from the shadows, it's hard to see how many of them was there.
The laid down slouched position I'm currently in makes it hard for me to maintain a 360 degree vision, especially since my virtual HUD was damaged in the firefight.
He takes off my mask "Calm down" he says gently, reaching into his left chest pocket to pull out a silk cloth, it looked beautiful, a rare sight nowadays. He wipes the liquid waste of blood and snot spewing from my face. It was painful to see such a nice cloth used in such a way, it hurt more than the thermal shot.
Suddenly, I started to cry. I've never shown much emotion before, at least not in public like this.
"I'm going to die...right?" I spoke, the words were hard to say. It sounded stupid the moment it came out of my mouth. Thermal Plasma is 100% fatal. If shot, the person will die either instantly, or if lucky they'll live for a few minutes longer. I guess I was lucky.
He didn't say anything, he just stared at me, I'm not sure if he cared or not, but it was nice to be with someone at that time.
"I don't mind" I said as I choked on the blood rushing out of my mouth. "I didn't really live, you see, I was one of 'em bred soldiers, genetic selection, accelerated growth and all that. Ever since my I was born, I was kinda destined to be here now."
It seems stupid and pointless to be so reminiscent now, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't really in control of it.
"But I don't really regret anything" I mustered a smile, my body was getting really cold now "I've seen beautiful things. Capital Starships falling from the skies, as a million lights lit up their path. The failing shield core, and the millions of deaths didn't seem to matter then. It was peaceful. Kind of like now. Maybe I'll go join them now."
As I closed my eyes I could still see him looking at me, it was assuring in a impossibly hard way to explain.
I could feel my cells deteriorating, the expensive genes selected for me seemed pointless now. It felt like I was soaring into the sky.
"This is a good death" I thought "Because I'll forever live in the stars"
I really hope someone will take read this, any feedback is appreciated.
I kinda ripped off the part about the downed Starship falling from the ending of Blade Runner. That scene was basically the inspiration for this story.
Tuesday 2 August 2011
My wish
Brevity is the soul to wit.
from the length of my post
I can safely assume that
my wit is lacking
My wish...is to someday write something akin to that statement.
not cuz it holds any confounding theory on the metaphysical notion of wit, it doesn't, I can ironically write a 10 page essay on it.
But because it's so pretty, it just rolls off the tongue, and makes you think for a moment, kinda makes you evaluate yourself, realize it's offensive to you, and try to rationalize that it's statement that lacks in intellectual depth. Shakespeare was a bitch.
the closest I've ever come to it is some meta-postmodern fallacy that I try to make it sound good with a thesaurus. ultimately it's very stupid and makes me sound like an asshole.
I should stop with the self deprecation, I need to expand my horizons as a wannabe author.
I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.
Pascal (who knew he had anything meaningful to say)
NEXT POST IMA SCI-FI YO ASS MUTHAFUKA (don't get excited, ive tried before and it sounds like something from a chemistry textbook translated into English through Google)
(I use brackets alot, I read somewhere that the use of it is bad form, THEN WHY DID THEY MAKE IT THEN?)...o...citations...nvm stfu.
BTW who the fuck am I trying to talk to with these hostile statments?
from the length of my post
I can safely assume that
my wit is lacking
My wish...is to someday write something akin to that statement.
not cuz it holds any confounding theory on the metaphysical notion of wit, it doesn't, I can ironically write a 10 page essay on it.
But because it's so pretty, it just rolls off the tongue, and makes you think for a moment, kinda makes you evaluate yourself, realize it's offensive to you, and try to rationalize that it's statement that lacks in intellectual depth. Shakespeare was a bitch.
the closest I've ever come to it is some meta-postmodern fallacy that I try to make it sound good with a thesaurus. ultimately it's very stupid and makes me sound like an asshole.
I should stop with the self deprecation, I need to expand my horizons as a wannabe author.
I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.
Pascal (who knew he had anything meaningful to say)
NEXT POST IMA SCI-FI YO ASS MUTHAFUKA (don't get excited, ive tried before and it sounds like something from a chemistry textbook translated into English through Google)
(I use brackets alot, I read somewhere that the use of it is bad form, THEN WHY DID THEY MAKE IT THEN?)...o...citations...nvm stfu.
BTW who the fuck am I trying to talk to with these hostile statments?
Obligatory Post
Not much to say today, but I might as well try. My SC2 addiction is pretty detrimental to my life, and my loss of confidence in psychological therapy ever since studying about them kinda puts me in a position where I don't want to seek help.
The thing is, I watch SC2 alot more than I play, remember the almost 10 hours I spent watching MLG, what the fuck was I thinking, the matches almost put me to sleep cuz of the turtle fest by terrans but still I watch. Is that what substance abuse addicts are like, they continue in their behavior simply cuz its normative? There's probably some study on this subject already, I realize there's so many research articles, they can probably be classified as as a intellectual spam. the kind of spam that requires 4-8 years of post secondary schooling putting the average person heavily in debt. What a depressing thought...yet...that's what I'm pursuing...I've made so many mistakes.
Heck...I've no motivation
Do people that pursue these degrees actually derive pleasure, like from television or Starcraft? I can say for certain I've never met these people.
If given unlimited funds, how many of these scientists will still work in their fields? maybe I should try to look at people currently pursuing these degree instead of well placed specialist in their fields. Or maybe that's it, people do this because they eventually hope they can derive pleasure from it, maybe just reach a normative state. Do we grow to be more mature, or just more conformist. Does or worldview expand or it just get narrow, and so focused that you unable to see anything else. I should really read more, I'm sure some depressed philosopher have pondered these questions, it probably leads into convoluted statements eventually leading to nihilism.
In personality psychology class (psy230) the prof stated that only the problematic and neurotic seek an answer to life, and the best solution is to not think about it. But to ignore that seems irresponsible, dareisay douchbaggery-like? I probably think this way cuz I am a hating neurotic unable to achieve my true potential due to mental constraints. oorr...have I already reached the ceiling?
Anyways back to meaning of life and all...I'll try to equate it to what people most want to achieve in their existence from my biased uninformed and naive perspective
-money
1.relationship (other human connections)
-this begins as a physical longing (lusting) but maybe eventually evolves into a wanting to be known completely. althougth I think mostly it just becomes a fetistze of things (I've never understood the fetish of feet, or any of the other apparent popular ones for that matter). anyways moving on...
2.Money...I'm probably wrong but I believe that Success can be attributed to this also. this is probably the meaning for many of the engineering students (most double e), arduous, metaphorically back breaking work in hopes of finding a stable source of income. of course this is can be related to number one.
-success is just what is the view of the status quo, which I think the best measure that is palpable is money, I don't think we have enough evidence of intrinsically rewarding component to success, but certainatly the people with it have, but is it enough to yearn for it...I dunno probably, but I think ill be contradicting myself then. fuuck, this is why stream of conscious writing sucks once I reflect back on it.
3. respect. whatever the society deems as respectful, I probably studied in high school simply cuz I didnt want to be looked down upon by my peers. My peers and my parents. But still I didn't get spectacular grades, the motivation probably wasn't there. but man did I like film studies class (partially cuz it was easy)
-another addendum to add this this point is self-respect, this relates to body building, and intellectual building (sounds fucking cheesy as hell). Perhaps the reason I never tried to any of that "healthy" livin is cuz i don't have much of self respect.
4. remembrance, I think this point relates to all the previous ones. this one is definitely related to a fear for death. perhaps if I'm in a relationship, have money, respect of peers I won't die. the sad truth currently is the depressing lack of any empirical evidence suggesting anything akin to a soul. I'm probably just extremely naive to think this, but we are just biological processes from birth to death, and nothing really matters.
-religion was probably started as this as one of the reasons (other reasons include population control, and a very basic, outdated and incompetent way of a moral compass that only benefited during the very ancestral time of our evolution). the sad reason to why there are so many fundies in this world is probably related to the inability to accept the cold perspective on death currently.
5. and then I guess there are people like me, whose only reason for living is a hedonist based one, dare I say libido (disclaimer, freud was a sad old pervert, as well as a bigot). Mostly what I want currently is to find good games to play, good shows to watch, good movies to stream, and good artists to follow. Haven't experienced soo many things tho, so there's always that potential for more pleasure.
So I guess the point for this basic, horribly naive, list is to say that my current thoughts on a meaning has merged with my thoughts of human qualities, that there isnt a single answer. the only solution is a generalized statement that people all think different, the answer to life, the universe, and everything is everything. meaning 42 isnt just a genius-level satire on the brooding philosopher, it's probably an answer. one of many.
So I guess monty python was right in their assertion in meaning of life.
But it's still a depressing one, essentially stating that there isn't any meaning except what you make of it.
fuck
let's discuss another topic
Today's word (based on dictionary.com) is melismatic (how awesome that even spellcheck doesnt recognize this word!)
defn: the vocal phrase of several notes sung to one syllable
I'm unsure of its meaning but I think its just when the singer tries to use their vocal cords as a physical instrument, like the sometimes annoying sounds that the singer moans that matches the backing music,
a tragic example based in the mainstream state of music would be Oh baby I love you Ohhhh-whooooooaaa-ohhhhhh-woooo yeaaaaaaa.
heh that was my best attempt at an onomatopoeia of what I think it would be.
This word brings another discussion, music, but I think i'll save that for another post, even thought my views on it is equally if not more depressing than my views of life
The thing is, I watch SC2 alot more than I play, remember the almost 10 hours I spent watching MLG, what the fuck was I thinking, the matches almost put me to sleep cuz of the turtle fest by terrans but still I watch. Is that what substance abuse addicts are like, they continue in their behavior simply cuz its normative? There's probably some study on this subject already, I realize there's so many research articles, they can probably be classified as as a intellectual spam. the kind of spam that requires 4-8 years of post secondary schooling putting the average person heavily in debt. What a depressing thought...yet...that's what I'm pursuing...I've made so many mistakes.
Heck...I've no motivation
Do people that pursue these degrees actually derive pleasure, like from television or Starcraft? I can say for certain I've never met these people.
If given unlimited funds, how many of these scientists will still work in their fields? maybe I should try to look at people currently pursuing these degree instead of well placed specialist in their fields. Or maybe that's it, people do this because they eventually hope they can derive pleasure from it, maybe just reach a normative state. Do we grow to be more mature, or just more conformist. Does or worldview expand or it just get narrow, and so focused that you unable to see anything else. I should really read more, I'm sure some depressed philosopher have pondered these questions, it probably leads into convoluted statements eventually leading to nihilism.
In personality psychology class (psy230) the prof stated that only the problematic and neurotic seek an answer to life, and the best solution is to not think about it. But to ignore that seems irresponsible, dareisay douchbaggery-like? I probably think this way cuz I am a hating neurotic unable to achieve my true potential due to mental constraints. oorr...have I already reached the ceiling?
Anyways back to meaning of life and all...I'll try to equate it to what people most want to achieve in their existence from my biased uninformed and naive perspective
-money
1.relationship (other human connections)
-this begins as a physical longing (lusting) but maybe eventually evolves into a wanting to be known completely. althougth I think mostly it just becomes a fetistze of things (I've never understood the fetish of feet, or any of the other apparent popular ones for that matter). anyways moving on...
2.Money...I'm probably wrong but I believe that Success can be attributed to this also. this is probably the meaning for many of the engineering students (most double e), arduous, metaphorically back breaking work in hopes of finding a stable source of income. of course this is can be related to number one.
-success is just what is the view of the status quo, which I think the best measure that is palpable is money, I don't think we have enough evidence of intrinsically rewarding component to success, but certainatly the people with it have, but is it enough to yearn for it...I dunno probably, but I think ill be contradicting myself then. fuuck, this is why stream of conscious writing sucks once I reflect back on it.
3. respect. whatever the society deems as respectful, I probably studied in high school simply cuz I didnt want to be looked down upon by my peers. My peers and my parents. But still I didn't get spectacular grades, the motivation probably wasn't there. but man did I like film studies class (partially cuz it was easy)
-another addendum to add this this point is self-respect, this relates to body building, and intellectual building (sounds fucking cheesy as hell). Perhaps the reason I never tried to any of that "healthy" livin is cuz i don't have much of self respect.
4. remembrance, I think this point relates to all the previous ones. this one is definitely related to a fear for death. perhaps if I'm in a relationship, have money, respect of peers I won't die. the sad truth currently is the depressing lack of any empirical evidence suggesting anything akin to a soul. I'm probably just extremely naive to think this, but we are just biological processes from birth to death, and nothing really matters.
-religion was probably started as this as one of the reasons (other reasons include population control, and a very basic, outdated and incompetent way of a moral compass that only benefited during the very ancestral time of our evolution). the sad reason to why there are so many fundies in this world is probably related to the inability to accept the cold perspective on death currently.
5. and then I guess there are people like me, whose only reason for living is a hedonist based one, dare I say libido (disclaimer, freud was a sad old pervert, as well as a bigot). Mostly what I want currently is to find good games to play, good shows to watch, good movies to stream, and good artists to follow. Haven't experienced soo many things tho, so there's always that potential for more pleasure.
So I guess the point for this basic, horribly naive, list is to say that my current thoughts on a meaning has merged with my thoughts of human qualities, that there isnt a single answer. the only solution is a generalized statement that people all think different, the answer to life, the universe, and everything is everything. meaning 42 isnt just a genius-level satire on the brooding philosopher, it's probably an answer. one of many.
So I guess monty python was right in their assertion in meaning of life.
But it's still a depressing one, essentially stating that there isn't any meaning except what you make of it.
fuck
let's discuss another topic
Today's word (based on dictionary.com) is melismatic (how awesome that even spellcheck doesnt recognize this word!)
defn: the vocal phrase of several notes sung to one syllable
I'm unsure of its meaning but I think its just when the singer tries to use their vocal cords as a physical instrument, like the sometimes annoying sounds that the singer moans that matches the backing music,
a tragic example based in the mainstream state of music would be Oh baby I love you Ohhhh-whooooooaaa-ohhhhhh-woooo yeaaaaaaa.
heh that was my best attempt at an onomatopoeia of what I think it would be.
This word brings another discussion, music, but I think i'll save that for another post, even thought my views on it is equally if not more depressing than my views of life
Monday 1 August 2011
Tired, almost 4am
I just read what I had posted previously...Man do I use I alot. this is incredibly depressing, it seems with all my self hate, I still find myself to be of utmost importance. the previous post was suppose to be self depreciating but instead it sounds like a pretentious piece of garbage. perhaps this self-reflective writing is helping me but man is it uncomfortable to be faced with the notion that what i write sucks. but maybe through this blog i can become a better person. most likely not, I'm probably the worst scumbag of all, one that realizes yet continues in their course of action. I'll keep this blog as updated as possible, I hope, I've failed in so many endeavors.
I glanced at some other blogs after the previous blog, the handy button up top that leads me to a seemingly random blog is pretty usefull. it'll probably be the only way I'll be able to get any traffic to my blog, not that it's important or anything. anyhow, I've yet found a blog suitable to my interests, I can tell many people are like me and just started this because they have nothing better to do. there are a few spam blogs I've seen, but if it makes them money then I shouldnt judge, because even the spam blogs offer more content than I. all I've got are poorly constructed sentences forming a barely coherent thought. I guess in a way my blog is spam, maybe even worse as this blog lacks any purpose.
oh and by the way I made a cool banner up top. pretty tacky I know, but it didnt feel that way when I made it, and now I'm too lazy to take it down...but that hellsing pic is nice.
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